he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
