Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
