I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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