So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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