I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
