We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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