Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
