I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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