my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize