Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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