puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I could fuck to npr.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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