I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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