I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
