So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
