i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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