can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
