why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
