final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
