oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
