I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
