hell yes lets make some ravioli
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
