You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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