"it" just moved
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize