omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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