Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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