just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
