Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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