apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
