I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
