it was like eating out sand paper
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize