Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
