i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm too high and old for this...
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