I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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