Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize