Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
