you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
