Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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