first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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