none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
