im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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