meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
