I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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