Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
