Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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