I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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