i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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