How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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