you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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