I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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