you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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