we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
