Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
