dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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