All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
