I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
