life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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