Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
