I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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