I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
